Our fearless leader was asking the discussion leaders to volunteer to read a Psalm throughout our last meeting where ladies were asked to share what the Lord had taught them throughout the course of the study. I volunteered to read a Psalm, but after I offered to read, the leader also asked if I would be willing to share.
The week before I had been thinking about what I had learned through the study. I loved walking through the Psalms, to see the joys, the heartaches, the excitement and discouragement that were so truthfully and vulnerably lifted up to Him. God really impressed on me through the Psalms, that I have permission to just be. I can approach Him where I am at and in turn He will show me Himself in a way that will meet me where I really am. I don't have to come and fake it before Him. Life is a journey - a pilgrimage. And I don't get to walk on streets of gold yet, but we don't have to journey alone either. These Psalms really drove that point home for me.
So I kind of had in mind what I would say for our time of sharing at the meeting but as I mulled my journey through the Psalms over during that, God showed me something that has given me much freedom.
Since we have come home from the Philippines, I have carried around a load of guilt. Sometimes it has felt bigger and heavier than other times, but it has always been there. My mind constantly races through what ifs.
What if I could have toughed out the panic attacks, what if I could have somehow prayed my way through them, what if I had too little faith and God wanted more from me.... What if coming home wasn't really what God wanted for us, what if we are really going to miss out on what He had for us, what if I really disappointed God. What if I ruined my husband's career, his dream of flying, what if, what if, what if. There was hardly a day gone by that I didn't remind myself of the what ifs of us being here in the States and not overseas.
God knew what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it and in his wisdom, He used my walk through the Psalms to heal my heart. As I was sitting in that meeting thinking about how I would talk about life being a pilgrimage and that our final destination is Christ and we walk forward one step at a time, I had a mental image flash through my mind of me walking my journey, not facing forward focusing on Him and the step that He has in front of me, but of me facing backwards looking in regret at the road that I have traveled. I've got to tell you that in those moments it was like the chains were being broken.
What kind of fool would walk on a road going forward but would have his head looking backwards the whole trip? I don't want to be that fool! I want to focus on Christ and what He has put in front of me for today, regardless of what happened yesterday. I don't want to miss out because I'm too focused on what could have been. It was like He said, "FACE FORWARD Jen! Pay attention to ME!"
Thank you Lord for setting me free!
Lamentations 3: 22-23
22Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
22Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
3 comments:
So beautiful my sweet, precious daughter.....not everyone receives a visit from God in such a clear and healing way. You are precious to Him - and to me! mom
I love you Jen and your ability to be real and transparent. I am so thankful for the internet and the ways that it has allowed us to continue to be friends and be in each other's lives after our 10+ years since high school.
Love,
Sara
Wow, this was a blessing to read. How very true. And how encouraging to me to read just now for any number of reasons... that will have to be a phone chat! Enjoy the journey, my friend... I'm learning to do the same:)
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